Hi. So, another day with hearts broken… It was soo hard trying to talk to your friend. It’s like…. I’m really speechless…. Anyway, I’m really sorry if I hurt you soo much but I never intended to. I just broke down after talking to “Ash” because it was soo hard trying to explain to him how I feel.

  Take it as… My soul.. hmm, more like my heart…Okay… So, lets say, my heart was broken to 5 pieces…. by my ex. I’m over him lah obviously.. –_-.. And for each piece, I give my heart to a guy I really love and care for and we were almost together…. so, there’s been 5 guys right? There’s not a piece left.. Nothing to get my heart going… And then I met you…. YAY! So, All I have left behind was the veins from that heart… I hand it to you….. But since that was all I had, it wasn’t very much of a heart.. So, that feeling for you is me caring for you a lot, thought of you before and when you’re being silly, I smile and laugh more than I usually do. But that’s it. When I wake up, I feel like something’s missing from my body. Something’s not just right at all..

  That’s the confusing part.. The moment you place your hand in mine, my head tells me that I like you (or love you) and that you’d be my man. But my heart tells me…. Wait… Where is my heart? You’re holding on to something that is insignificant to my heart.. That’s when my mind goes insane.. I wake up in the morning and my mind tells me you’re perfect and right before I go to bed,it tells me, “oh, c’mooon… you’re not that awesome..”.. So, which path do I go towards? Lying to myself that I really care for you? or Lying to myself that I don’t? Which would hurt more? So, now I’ve put you in my story.. If I lied to myself that I don’t care for you but in truth, I do, then my other half that doesn’t care for you, gets soo pissed and decides to break you heart maybe a little later into our relationship.. I’d pick hurting someone, anyone, now well over later.. If I had to hurt you, I’d hurt you now.. I don’t want to build you up and THEN hurt you.. Yes I know that things would probably change when I’m with you.. but that’s not what my head is trying to tell me… Because now, it’s not a matter of the heart.. because the heart is long gone…

  Your bestfriend called me selfish.. It’s selfish when I don’t even give you a chance.. Everyone told me to give you a chance… I did.. I really did.. I swear to god I did… So, when my heart’s not there, what do I do when I have no feeling for you? I told him harsh things.. Many things that made me look like a slutty bitch… You know how I hurt me? Yes. Me, hurting me and all I have to do is lie to myself.. TRY amirah TRY…. People tell me that… BUT WHY? “Nobody’s forcing you… Feelings come naturally..” Why do you tell me to try? Asking ANYONE to give anyone a chance and try… Isn’t that like being forced into liking someone?

  That was when I broke down..

  I cannot give what I do not have and I do not have what I’ve already given.. I’ve given my best despite our obvious differences. I’ve held in my mind a a phrase I tell myself whenever I meet a new guy… “No guy is perfect and every guy is different..”… Stop reminding me this.. I know that… The difference was what got me going.. So, why am I not giving you a chance? Why do people repeat this? I did! I did give a chance.. We’re all different people and different people have different thinking..

  Why are you upset? It just proves that you really do care for me… It just proves that YES you want to be with me one day. I beg of you to tell me that I am wrong because if I’m wrong, atleast I’ll give myself a chance to slap myself in the face.. You see, I cannot face the future. I have always been a girl who never plans the future because, I suppose I had always been afraid of the future.. I think a lot.. I know.. You being upset is not making me feel any better.. It just proves to me how much I have to get back to you… Isn’t it forceful? You’re not forcing me but let yourself be put into my state.. Would you want to be with me just for the sake of pitying me? Lying to yourself into liking me? or loving? If you are then sir, you are a generous and selfless man. I am not like you then… I can never be someone I’m not..

  Can you believe you’re reading my mind right now? All this while, you would’ve realised that I’m talking to myself.. In my head… I broke down and nobody knows why… Don’t pity me… I’ve been through this many times… I actually, pity you more… Don’t you see how insane I may sound? How insecure I sound? How pathetic and immature I sound? You see… This is the exact dilemma going on in my head.. And you still want me?

  I may not understand how you feel… Neither would you for me.. I’m not asking you to understand… If you still don’t understand, then just take it as..

  Amirah, selfish, bitchy, un-sympathetic liar… Who hates every guy and hates you soo much and all she wants to do is toy with guys feelings.. If you take it as that, then, I shall understand.. I won’t beg for a better name… I won’t beg for anything from you… I will never be you and you will never be me… Maybe, just maybe, the truth behind my words are far beyond your knowledge. And hope to god that I really am a playgirl who toys with every guys feelings..