From the moment I came back from Oman, my life has been a roller-coaster. I WILL name names~! Josh, Dan, Amali, Adele, and someone-who’s-face-is-in-my-head-but-not-his-name has used me. Five guys used me in a row. Especially Josh Josh Josh Josh Josh in which I even used to have a blog for. He read and up till now, he never said sorry. (Don’t you dare judge me when you don’t know the whole story). My own bestfriend, one of the first I’ve made in high school is lost somewhere there. (Though we still talk sometimes). 8 guys had just told me I’m fat. Or at least called me fat even when I didn’t ask. I have 4 days a week of science and the amount of days of school i have is well, hmm.. FOUR. I’ve never liked science and now I’m having doubts about taking this stupid goddamn mudder of a course. Everyone’s having a relationship problem. Everyone’s looking for love. (Not literally can you guys just take things metaphorically or something?Stop saying “not everyone”). People are crying over someone they care and I’m still at the point of crushing on someone who’s already obviously used me and threw me away. The people who actually like me are my really close friends and I cannot like them back because they’re my really close friend. 2 guys have just stopped talking to me because they got rejected.. After what? After I said “I really treat you as my close friend”.. There is no one out there whom I like who ACTUALLY WANTS to be with me for who I am. They kiss me because I can and not because I am. (learn literature you narrow minded people) They judge me by how I look and not who I am. Even after spending an entire night together making each other laugh, even after me sacrificing my time and my FRIEND’S time to make you smile, even after skipping school to spend time with you, even after all that, you guys end up as a lie. A lie I wasted my trust upon. I throw myself upon your feet, all you do is ask me to polish your shoes and then you walk away. I’d do anything to make you smile and now what? You’re gonna tell me you’re bored? Oh no, I’ve changed? No wait, it just didn’t happen? Oh even better, you never felt anything? You guys are thick you know.. really thick.. The only way I can make myself happy is to make sure my friends are all happy. It had always worked that way. After this, for how long? For how long can I keep to what I say? I don’t know. I’ve met soo many people and I’ve seen how they reacted when I batter my eyelids the moment they glance at me.(not that I do that to EVERYGUY). Sometimes I think to myself, am I really that invisible? What I’ve done, is it really that common? Am I that easy to let go of? That easy to forget? Tonight, I ask myself a lot of questions because I can’t answer them. When was the last time I heard a secret from someone? A secret about a guy secretly having a crush on me? When was the last time I heard someone tell me that I’m perfect? That I’m not too fat and not too skinny, just right? Honestly, sometimes when I see someone I think I have a crush on and tell my friend next to me that I have butterflies in my tummy, I really actually don’t. That person only makes me smile because of who he is. When was the last time some guy gets really excited to see me and smile and wave? When was the last time I got genuinely excited? I don’t know. I see couples everywhere. I see guys everywhere. That’s the point where I undo my hair and hide my face in the shadows of it. I sometimes just can’t bear looking like this. I love myself a lot. But sometimes I wished someone would see me as how I see me. I know everybody has different perspectives but they all want to see in their own perspective. I know this is a lot of ranting but I just feel like.. I need someone to actually care for. One particular person I can go crazy with. One person I wouldn’t get annoyed. One person who isn’t too fast or too slow. I probably need a clone of me. I just need one person. Be it a girl or a guy. So, those girls out there, honestly, you hate your boyfriend? Yeah, okay, wait till you get to my stage and you’ll be thinking “fuck-it. Imma be a paedophile”.. (I didn’t think that way though) Seriously? Fuck your life? okay I cheer everyone up (at least I try) and I go to classes giving them brownies. I let them tease me, I let them annoy me. At what cost? Sometimes, I feel really numb. In class, I just want to sit there.Just sit there and not do anything. I never had enough time to be with myself. I miss the beach. Soo very much. My sacred thinking place. It’s right around the corner of my house and I don’t have the time for it. If I cry, it may make me feel soo much better but I can’t. Everyone’s talking about their lives. What about mine? What about the people in africa? What about the people who lost their sons in the army? What about them? They live a harder life than me and a harder life than you. These little things kept me going. But I miss things that help me feel alive. The things that make me, well, me.

I need a SINCERE hug soo bad but only soo many people read this ridiculous blog. Not a lot of people care about your life unless other people, gossip-worth, are involved in it you know..